I haven't posted on this in a year, but I have some words that I need to say and I feel like this was the best format for them.
I am not perfect.
I know if you're reading this, you probably know me and you know that I'm not perfect, but I need to understand fully that perfection or any semblance of it is entirely unattainable. For me or anyone on this earth.
And yet I still shame myself daily for my lack of perfection.
I'm not pretty enough.
I'm not thin.
I'm not smart enough.
I am a slave to my sin.
It eats at my vulnerable, broken heart any chance it can and my only defense is my tears.
I do not fight back.
I know how, but choose to give in, and then what comes next is even worse than the sin itself.
I sink into a pit of dark despair called shame.
You might know that temptress too.
She lures you in by telling you
"everyone else fights harder"
"you let this happen"
"you could never proclaim Jesus' name"
"why would he want you"
A slave to sin and shame is your pimp. Keeping you compliant. Keeping you hurt. Keeping your heart vulnerable enough to not be vulnerable with the people that count.
We are not meant to be perfect but perfection is like heroin and if you give in to the high you might just die craving even more of it.
This is not a metaphor or a think piece, this is my daily reality.
I want to be able to save myself because I am so addicted to control I can't even let go to let God in.
And I love Him.
But I hate myself so much that I can't even begin to understand how he could use me.
I just want to be worthy but I'm not even worthy to touch the hem of his garment. The woman who did that was willing. But I am running.
Running hard and fast away from forgiveness because at this point if I don't feel pain, I don't feel alive and I just want to sleep until I'm sick again.
I am afraid to be healed because the healing hurts more than the abuse and I don't want to be reminded everyday of the things I am ashamed of.
And I'm sure the crowd will go wild for the ugly details but I know the pride in my heart would feed off of the "tragic beauty" of my horrific sin and tell me that the sin is my testimony.
But homie CHRIST'S REDEMPTION IS YOUR TESTIMONY.
I will have no more of this glorification of sin struggle. My sin is ugly but oh man my God is freaking glorious in His love.
He makes my shame flee at the sound of His name.
Yahweh.
What a cleansing name.
What a healing name.
What a beautiful name.
And I cannot allow my shame to keep me from that wonderful name.
That doesn't mean I will always succeed.
But that doesn't scare a perfect King now does it?
