Love: An Adventure

I used to rarely tell people I loved them. I mean, I told my parents and my siblings "I love you" before I left the house or went to sleep, but I never felt like I could tell people outside of that elite circle until I deemed them worthy of that honor.
That all changed when I turned 12 or 13.
It all changed when I met him. 
He was not my first kiss or first love or first anything really. He was my first infatuation, I suppose. But he made me want to constantly talk and think about love even though I had no earthly idea what romantic love was or even looked like. The only ideas of love that I had were how my parents loved each other, what I had learned from romantic comedies and Disney films, and Jesus's love for me (which at this point in time I had a very shallow understanding of).
So essentially I was completely lost with no sign of finding my way to the grip of reality. I liked him and I had no clue if he liked me, but that didn't matter because I was in love.
I had an infatuation with that boy for 5 long and debilitating years.
He never liked me.
I stopped liking me at points because he didn't feel the same way I felt.
I sat for many hours contemplating how to be more like the girls he liked, which drove me to such a place of darkness and self-hatred that I can't really bring myself to think of it anymore.
But one day I felt the feeling that I always wanted to feel. You probably know the one. The *sparks flying because I've met the person I want to spend the rest of my life with because they love me more than words can say and I love them like oxygen so now life is bliss* feeling. However, this was nothing like my parents' love story, or romantic movies. This was not from another person proclaiming their love for me in some crazy, lavish gesture. This was me sitting on my floor holding a bottle of pills crying because I had nowhere else to go. This was me opening my bible for the first time in years and hearing the words you are beautiful, I love you. They were not spoken by him. They were spoken by Him, the creator of the universe and redeemer of my soul.

From that moment, I realized how important love is. Not the false love that the media throws at us, but the love demonstrated by a God who sent His perfect son to die for the sins of everyone. Love that is accepting and affirming. Love that is kind and passionate. Love that is real and that means something. That love can conquer all. So now, unlike my younger self; I say I love you.
Maybe I've never met you, maybe you think you are too far gone, maybe you don't love you, but I love you, because you are worthy of love.

Becoming Cain

Normalcy isn't really my thing. When I was younger I would do anything I could to be normal, and I failed over and over again. I didn't look like the other kids, I didn't talk like the other kids, and I simply didn't think like the other kids. I was always imagining alternate dimensions  or placing myself in the realities of my favorite fictional characters. I realized that I wasn't meant to be normal. I was meant to be me. I was meant to become my own character, write my own story, "protagonise" myself. Then, something happened to get in my way, my great antagonist, sin.

 I may get into the gritty details of my sin struggles in another post on a day where I feel stronger, but this isn't about that. This isn't about "poor me I struggle." This is about the reality of my last name, and its relevance in my daily life.

If you grew up in church, you know the story of Cain and Able.

Genesis 4:1-16(ESV)
4 Now Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain, saying, “I have gotten a man with the help of the Lord.” 2 And again, she bore his brother Abel. Now Abel was a keeper of sheep, and Cain a worker of the ground. 3 In the course of time Cain brought to the Lord an offering of the fruit of the ground, 4 and Abel also brought of the firstborn of his flock and of their fat portions. And the Lord had regard for Abel and his offering, 5 but for Cain and his offering he had no regard. So Cain was very angry, and his face fell. 6 The Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry, and why has your face fallen? 7 If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is for you, but you must rule over it.”8 Cain spoke to Abel his brother.And when they were in the field, Cain rose up against his brother Abel and killed him. 9 Then the Lord said to Cain, “Where is Abel your brother?” He said, “I do not know; am I my brother's keeper?” 10 And the Lord said, “What have you done? The voice of your brother's blood is crying to me from the ground. 11 And now you are cursed from the ground, which has opened its mouth to receive your brother's blood from your hand. 12 When you work the ground, it shall no longer yield to you its strength. You shall be a fugitive and a wanderer on the earth.” 13 Cain said to the Lord, “My punishment is greater than I can bear. 14 Behold, you have driven me today away from the ground, and from your face I shall be hidden. I shall be a fugitive and a wanderer on the earth, and whoever finds me will kill me.” 15 Then the Lord said to him, “Not so! If anyone kills Cain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold.” And the Lord put a mark on Cain, lest any who found him should attack him.

I often make the joke that my namesake is the first murderer in history, but there is no humor in this name, only too much reality. I am a sinner just like he is, but the difference between our situations is the sacrificial lamb whose name is Jesus. Cain's downfall was his need to compare himself with his brother. We don't get to see inside Cain's brain here, but how disappointed must he have been with himself? His inability to please the Father because of sin was prevalent and led to pain and desolation and the guilt of murdering his own blood. That is the last we hear of Cain. His sin separated him from the glory of God and that should be our fate as well. I didn't kill my brother, but all sin is abhorrent to the Father. All sin should separate us from Him entirely, but God isn't fair. God is love. God loves us so much that He sent the only perfect man, the only person we should want to be, and gave Him a thieves' death to spend eternity with us.
I sin daily.
I deserve complete separation from God daily.
But, I've been set free, bought with blood of a sacrificial lamb far greater than Able's.
For I have a God who is able-
to sacrifice perfection in exchange for stained sinners who crave a "something more"
to become more than a prophet by defeating death
to love me even when I don't love myself
Able to do all of this and immeasurably more, for a girl with the same stains as Cain, and show her all of this through her own last name.

Sorry for all of the rhyming, poetry's my jam.

I chose the name "Able&Cain" for this blog for three main reasons;
1. It looks really rad
2. Cain and Able is a biblical story and gets across to any reader that everything, no matter how mundane will point back to Jesus
And
3.to humble myself

This blog is an exercise in my transparency skills. I'm gong to write about what I know is true and how I feel and I don't want any of that to be staged. I want a place where I can express the reality of Christian struggles and rejoice in the glory of God throughout all of it. If that's something you'd find refreshing or intriguing, awesome. If you think this is the worst blog you've ever read and I should throw myself off a cliff, I mean that's you're opinion and if you comment that I will certainly cry a lot, but Jesus still loves you, and so will I once I recover from the wound your words left in my heart.

On a more serious note,

You are worthy of life. You are beautiful. You are loved.

See ya next week,

Haley Cain